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Wednesday, December 24, 2003

So I figured now that all my friends have forsaken me since I haven't written in over 2 months, I would post something to see if anyone notices. Now that it's the holidays I have several days in a row without any work, and being that it's that time of year, I can follow the infinite wisdom of Jerry Stiller and proceed with the airing of the grievances - everyone's favorite of the Festivus rituals...everyone that is except for Ethan, who, if I had to wager a guess would definitely cast his vote for the feats of strength. Speaking of Ethan, or Seabsicuit as he's known round these parts, he's slumbering away in the next room dreaming of his big day tomorrow and whether he can beat his all time minesweeper rain man world record. He scolded me earlier because I keep pretending that I'm going to wake up early and go to the gym with him, but then I sleep until 11 and can't seem to go to bed before 2, so that never happens. He basically told me to snap out of it and stop pretending that I can get up before lunch, and just accept it. I protested, but look at me now...12:10 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. That could be because I've only been up for approximately 13 hours today, but who's counting?
Anyway, back to the airing of the grievances. I can't stand feeling like a prisoner in my own home during the weeks surrounding Christmas. Why do I feel this way? Well because everyone in the world goes out shopping starting from 8 in the morning (which, let's be honest, I haven't seen since finals week) and they don't go home until 10 pm when the last store closes. Here I thought I was going to save myself a load of trouble by doing all my christmas shopping early so I wouldn't need to wait in any ridiculous lines this year, but lo and behold, the lines found me. I can't leave my driveway to go to the grocery store without waiting for a half an hour to make a left turn at the first intersection. I don't have the stamina to go out and buy a gallon of milk during the month of december. Also, I think this time of year really brings out peoples' true colors. If you're a conflict avoidance type person like me, you just stay home and watch An American Idol Christmas over and over again instead of going out to buy food and a new tube of toothpaste. If you pretend to be nice during the rest of the year, but deep down you're a raging asshole, Christmas will bring out the beast within. Sit in any parking lot or near any store checkout line and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. I've seen little old ladies cut people off and steal a parking place, all the while flipping the bird at some lady with 8 kids in the back of her minivan. I've also seen people cut you off in the 10 items or less express lane, pretending they don't see you, and apparently confusing the number 10 with the simliar number 37, without batting an eye. It's like confession for a Catholic though, because all you have to do is say Merry Christmas! or Happy Holidays! after you piss all over someone else and within plus or minus 10 days of Christmas, you're absolved of all your sins. It all comes back to one of the only sane things my crazy aunt always says...people are broke. Chalk another piece of evidence up to the "I hate most people" bulletin board. What's the result of all this holiday madness? I haven't fed Ethan in 3 days and my breath smells really bad. Frolich Weinachten!

Friday, October 03, 2003

So a friend from the last place we lived came to visit the other day and we were reliving some of the funnier moments from good old Florida. I remembered two of the weirdest things I've seen in a while, and they both coincidentally happened on the same night. Here you go.
The only girl I could stand to spend more than five minutes with at my last base decided to throw a wine and cheese party just before we left. When you're in college and you want to get drunk you throw a kegger, but now that we're all responsible adults and we still want to get drunk, you have to call it something else...thus the advent of the wine and cheese party. So anyway, she asked if we could bring the cheese for her little soire. We brought some really lovely brie and fresh mozarella and tomatoes. So we're sitting there before everyone showed up and this guy comes to the door to pick up her roomate for their date. Keep in mind that he is not invited to the W.C. extravaganza. So he's standing there staring at us and he just keeps eating all my cheese. Mouthfull after delicious brie-laden mouthfull. And it's really torking me off. Just when I'm on the verge of telling him that unless he produces some accoutrement to replace our only snack at this party in the next ten seconds, I'm going to kill him, his date finally comes downstairs. Can you believe that bastard just stood there and ate all my cheese? Who eats another person's cheese before a party that they're not invited to? My blood still boils thinking about it months later. If I ever have kids, that's a lesson I'm forcing them to learn very early in life. You don't go into another person's house and eat all their party snacks before the party starts, when you're not invited in the first place. Everyone showed up later and I had 5 boxes of crackers and an empty brie container. Needless to say I looked like a jackass. Then I had to spend the whole party wondering if they were all whispering...what kind of cheapo brings a mostly eaten container of cheese to a party then expects to drink my expensive french wine? I know that's what they were saying.
So the other totally weird thing that happened that night was with "the date". This is a girl who is a captain in the Air Force. That means that she has been in the military for at least 4 years...probably wearing camouflage multiple times each week. And what does she choose to wear out on her date that night? A really trendy blue camo tube top. I almost died right there. Why in God's name would a person who's forced to dress like a boy and wear camo almost every day of their lives choose to wear more on their own time?...and then some weird blue tube top version too? Who wears tube tops in the first place? Isn't that just asking for trouble? If that's what being a girl is in today's single scene, thank god I'm not single, and not much of a girl.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

So I was sitting in organic chemistry class today and we were going over different Pesticides. The professor wanted us to list off different types. The most obvious suspects had already been posted on the board...insecticides, herbicides, algicides...she was trying to lead people in the direction of the missing -cide by saying, what would you use on the little things that go pitter patter in the night? Well she was obviously refering to small rodents, but the guy next to me called out, childicides. To which I laughed really hard...out loud. Then I realized that I was the only one laughing out loud. No one else was amused that I thought it was funny to joke about exterminating children. Come on, that's funny stuff. But no! Now I'm labeled as the girl who wants to spray children with some deadly toxin when they get up to go to the bathroom at night. Do people not have a sense of humor or what? Why does everyone with kids seem to think that everyone without kids is an idiot? They really think that because I don't have children, I obviously don't understand that you are not supposed to spray them with things that might kill them. Well, I've seen enough Mr. Yuk stickers in my life to know that pretty much everything in an average medicine cabinet would kill your kid. Just because you choose to call it hairspray and not childicide doesn't mean that you're not bringing toxins into your house. Then they think that I have no sense of humor when I refuse to laugh at their chalk-chuck jokes. I swear I'm going to vomit on the next person who asks how much chalk can a chalk-chuck chuck. I need someone to invent some dorkicide that I can bring to class with me.

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