Friday, October 03, 2003

So a friend from the last place we lived came to visit the other day and we were reliving some of the funnier moments from good old Florida. I remembered two of the weirdest things I've seen in a while, and they both coincidentally happened on the same night. Here you go.
The only girl I could stand to spend more than five minutes with at my last base decided to throw a wine and cheese party just before we left. When you're in college and you want to get drunk you throw a kegger, but now that we're all responsible adults and we still want to get drunk, you have to call it something else...thus the advent of the wine and cheese party. So anyway, she asked if we could bring the cheese for her little soire. We brought some really lovely brie and fresh mozarella and tomatoes. So we're sitting there before everyone showed up and this guy comes to the door to pick up her roomate for their date. Keep in mind that he is not invited to the W.C. extravaganza. So he's standing there staring at us and he just keeps eating all my cheese. Mouthfull after delicious brie-laden mouthfull. And it's really torking me off. Just when I'm on the verge of telling him that unless he produces some accoutrement to replace our only snack at this party in the next ten seconds, I'm going to kill him, his date finally comes downstairs. Can you believe that bastard just stood there and ate all my cheese? Who eats another person's cheese before a party that they're not invited to? My blood still boils thinking about it months later. If I ever have kids, that's a lesson I'm forcing them to learn very early in life. You don't go into another person's house and eat all their party snacks before the party starts, when you're not invited in the first place. Everyone showed up later and I had 5 boxes of crackers and an empty brie container. Needless to say I looked like a jackass. Then I had to spend the whole party wondering if they were all whispering...what kind of cheapo brings a mostly eaten container of cheese to a party then expects to drink my expensive french wine? I know that's what they were saying.
So the other totally weird thing that happened that night was with "the date". This is a girl who is a captain in the Air Force. That means that she has been in the military for at least 4 years...probably wearing camouflage multiple times each week. And what does she choose to wear out on her date that night? A really trendy blue camo tube top. I almost died right there. Why in God's name would a person who's forced to dress like a boy and wear camo almost every day of their lives choose to wear more on their own time?...and then some weird blue tube top version too? Who wears tube tops in the first place? Isn't that just asking for trouble? If that's what being a girl is in today's single scene, thank god I'm not single, and not much of a girl.

Wednesday, October 01, 2003

So I was sitting in organic chemistry class today and we were going over different Pesticides. The professor wanted us to list off different types. The most obvious suspects had already been posted on the board...insecticides, herbicides, algicides...she was trying to lead people in the direction of the missing -cide by saying, what would you use on the little things that go pitter patter in the night? Well she was obviously refering to small rodents, but the guy next to me called out, childicides. To which I laughed really hard...out loud. Then I realized that I was the only one laughing out loud. No one else was amused that I thought it was funny to joke about exterminating children. Come on, that's funny stuff. But no! Now I'm labeled as the girl who wants to spray children with some deadly toxin when they get up to go to the bathroom at night. Do people not have a sense of humor or what? Why does everyone with kids seem to think that everyone without kids is an idiot? They really think that because I don't have children, I obviously don't understand that you are not supposed to spray them with things that might kill them. Well, I've seen enough Mr. Yuk stickers in my life to know that pretty much everything in an average medicine cabinet would kill your kid. Just because you choose to call it hairspray and not childicide doesn't mean that you're not bringing toxins into your house. Then they think that I have no sense of humor when I refuse to laugh at their chalk-chuck jokes. I swear I'm going to vomit on the next person who asks how much chalk can a chalk-chuck chuck. I need someone to invent some dorkicide that I can bring to class with me.

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