Wednesday, December 24, 2003

So I figured now that all my friends have forsaken me since I haven't written in over 2 months, I would post something to see if anyone notices. Now that it's the holidays I have several days in a row without any work, and being that it's that time of year, I can follow the infinite wisdom of Jerry Stiller and proceed with the airing of the grievances - everyone's favorite of the Festivus rituals...everyone that is except for Ethan, who, if I had to wager a guess would definitely cast his vote for the feats of strength. Speaking of Ethan, or Seabsicuit as he's known round these parts, he's slumbering away in the next room dreaming of his big day tomorrow and whether he can beat his all time minesweeper rain man world record. He scolded me earlier because I keep pretending that I'm going to wake up early and go to the gym with him, but then I sleep until 11 and can't seem to go to bed before 2, so that never happens. He basically told me to snap out of it and stop pretending that I can get up before lunch, and just accept it. I protested, but look at me now...12:10 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. That could be because I've only been up for approximately 13 hours today, but who's counting?
Anyway, back to the airing of the grievances. I can't stand feeling like a prisoner in my own home during the weeks surrounding Christmas. Why do I feel this way? Well because everyone in the world goes out shopping starting from 8 in the morning (which, let's be honest, I haven't seen since finals week) and they don't go home until 10 pm when the last store closes. Here I thought I was going to save myself a load of trouble by doing all my christmas shopping early so I wouldn't need to wait in any ridiculous lines this year, but lo and behold, the lines found me. I can't leave my driveway to go to the grocery store without waiting for a half an hour to make a left turn at the first intersection. I don't have the stamina to go out and buy a gallon of milk during the month of december. Also, I think this time of year really brings out peoples' true colors. If you're a conflict avoidance type person like me, you just stay home and watch An American Idol Christmas over and over again instead of going out to buy food and a new tube of toothpaste. If you pretend to be nice during the rest of the year, but deep down you're a raging asshole, Christmas will bring out the beast within. Sit in any parking lot or near any store checkout line and you'll see exactly what I'm talking about. I've seen little old ladies cut people off and steal a parking place, all the while flipping the bird at some lady with 8 kids in the back of her minivan. I've also seen people cut you off in the 10 items or less express lane, pretending they don't see you, and apparently confusing the number 10 with the simliar number 37, without batting an eye. It's like confession for a Catholic though, because all you have to do is say Merry Christmas! or Happy Holidays! after you piss all over someone else and within plus or minus 10 days of Christmas, you're absolved of all your sins. It all comes back to one of the only sane things my crazy aunt always says...people are broke. Chalk another piece of evidence up to the "I hate most people" bulletin board. What's the result of all this holiday madness? I haven't fed Ethan in 3 days and my breath smells really bad. Frolich Weinachten!

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